Ten Songs I Wouldn't Put on Your Wedding Playlist (Because I Love You Too Much)

Good rule of thumb... If Governor Scott Walker is doing it, you should not

1. The Cha-Cha Slide: Because you’re not in high school anymore!

2. Pour Some Shoogah On Me: This is one of those “in the moment” dumb songs where, under the right circumstances (read: if you’re really drunk, and surrounded by friends and family), it MIGHT work for you.  (Every REO Speedwagon song is like this, too.)  But I wouldn’t wanna take the risk.

3. Blurred Lines: Too rapey.  “Got to Give it Up” would do just as well.

4. Billie Jean: It’s one of the great grooves, but it’s overplayed.  And Michael’s got plenty of killer wedding songs that aren’t about psychosexual paranoia (see: “Off the Wall”!).

5. Uptown Funk: Stop!  Wait a minute.  I liked this song the first fifty times I heard it.  And then I heard it seven thousand more times.

6. Get Low (“from the windows, to the walls”): This one makes the millennial crowd move, but the hook is “Ah skeet skeet skeet.”  Come on!

7. I Gotta Feeling: Not the soulful Beatles classic, but the Black Eyed Peas “Mazel Tov” song.  You deserve better than plastic corporate party product, goddammit!

8. Shape of You: You know, that song you hear all the time by that charmless frat douche Ed Sheeran?  I’d go for the real J.T. before a weak, inexplicably popular imitation.

9. The Cupid Shuffle: To the left, to the right, to the right, to the left, to the left, to the left, to the front, to the butt, to the left, to the left, to the left STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO

10.  Sandstorm: Actually.  Wait.  I would play “Sandstorm” at your wedding.